The Power of Presence, Healthy Detachment, and Boundaries in Parenting with Randi Crawford
- Savannah Rose Johnson, BA, CLC, RTT.P
- Aug 25
- 36 min read
In this episode of the Eclipse Evolution podcast, Savannah Rose engages in a deep conversation with life coach Randi Crawford about the importance of taking action, overcoming fear of judgment, and the impact of social media on self-perception. They discuss parenting in a digital age, the significance of intergenerational connections, and the role of presence in relationships. Randi emphasizes the need for parents to let go and allow their children to develop independence, while also providing practical steps for giving space and fostering resilience. The conversation concludes with a focus on the importance of family dynamics and the need for connection in today's world.
For more information about Randi Crawford and her resources please visit the links below.
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Below is the companion video, timestamps, full transcript, and also available streaming platforms.
Thanks for listening!
Podcast Streaming Platforms:
Companion Video:
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction to the Podcast and Guest
08:35 The Impact of Social Media on Self-Perception
23:24 The Balance of Technology and Humanity
31:19 Communication Gaps Between Generations
36:06 The Role of Trust in Parenting
42:01 The Value of Family Dinners
Transcript:
Savannah Rose (00:01.59)
Hello, hello and welcome to the Eclipse Evolution podcast. I'm your hostess Savannah Rose. Thank you so much for tuning in. I've missed you all. Thank you for your patience. And I'm so excited to be kicking off my first episode in August with a very special guest today, Miss Randy Crawford. I'm so excited to have you share your insights, your wisdom and your unique perspective. You have so many topics that you specialize in that I personally connect to and I know our audience today will resonate with as well.
So, Ms. Randi, will you please introduce yourself to our listeners, viewers, and then we can get this conversation started.
Randi Crawford (00:39.062)
I would love to and thank you so much for having me. I really, really appreciate this invite because I really have enjoyed listening to your other podcasts. So I live in San Diego and while I am called a life coach, I don't like to look at it that way, Savannah, because I feel like it feels very, you know, white coat. Like I'm a life coach and I'm sitting here and I know things and...
Savannah Rose (00:48.022)
Street View.
Randi Crawford (01:02.186)
It's not like that whatsoever. And I became a life coach very organically. So, you know, for me, it's when I think of coaching people, it's more about being someone that can listen to you. I'm a non-judgmental third party. You see, and the issue that we have with parents and their kids, and I did this too, I'm a parent of two grown and floans, is that when they're telling us something, we are very invested in the outcome.
So when we're invested in the outcome, of course we're gonna judge what they tell us because we see, you we don't wanna see, I should say, like a train wreck in slow motion. So before they can finish, we are trying to like fix a problem. And so now I got ahead of myself, but I basically, I ran a public healthcare company for many years for menopausal women.
And when that came to an abrupt end, I stopped working for a long time. And that was very hard for me because I'm a person that likes to be doing things all the time. So I was writing an article for the local paper and, you know, keeping my hands in things. But it was when my daughter was about to go off to college and my son was in high school that my husband said, listen, you need to find something fun to do.
Savannah Rose (02:04.086)
Thank
Randi Crawford (02:17.318)
And now to any moms listening that have stayed home with their kids and didn't realize that one year would turn into five to 10 to 15. And all of a sudden they're like, wow, I haven't worked in a long time. And someone says, go do something fun. How do you define fun? mean, fun is a very, you know, what is fun? Well, I love going to my kids' games. I love going to happy hour with all my friends before the games. What do I love? It's a very daunting question.
and I really had to sit back and think. And rather than get paralyzed in just, you know what I mean, thinking about something, I just decided to jump into something that I had no idea what I was doing. And I went to the mall, which I normally don't do. I went into my favorite retail store, which is Anthropologie, and I got myself a job.
And I don't know retail and I didn't even like shopping. All I had used to wear was Lululemon workout outfits, drop the kids off, workout, pick the kids up, and then get involved in the 8,000 activities. And this job is really how I ultimately landed becoming a life coach because I just took an action, any action, and I didn't worry about what other people were gonna think. I didn't worry that I didn't have the experience. I knew I loved working with women and I love the connection so much.
Like there's nothing that makes me happier than making other people feel good. And when I got the job, I was shocked and scared. And I remember saying to my husband, what am I doing? Like, I don't even know what I'm doing. And he very specifically said, Randy, if you don't like it, you can just quit. Now again, don't say that to me. Like I'm just getting my foot back out there. I'm not gonna quit. I really wanna figure this out.
Savannah Rose (03:42.87)
you
Randi Crawford (03:59.306)
and I started working there and I can take you into that, but that was really the beginning of just putting my foot in the ring and saying, I'm gonna do something. I have no idea what I'm gonna do. And I have found so much enjoyment in that, that while I am a life coach and I work and I talk and I write and I speak, I still work in anthropology on the weekends because I still like it that much.
Savannah Rose (04:24.596)
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your journey and I hope you can hear me okay. I had to mute myself because the thunder.
Randi Crawford (04:31.106)
Now I hear the thunder and the birds, are in middle of a storm, girl.
Savannah Rose (04:34.998)
This is the jungle right now. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yes. Well, thank you. And I love your thoughts on what you just shared. I wrote it down just about the moving through like that paralysis of thinking and just taking action. I feel like that is something that I myself am like refining that whole skill currently. And I think it's such a huge thing, specifically with life transitions, because we have like that quote, like fear of the unknown.
Randi Crawford (04:38.286)
Two!
Savannah Rose (05:05.022)
really sure maybe what steps to take and if we stay as you say like paralyzed by just thinking of all the different things of like what should I do what are these people going to think like we're not going anywhere and I think that that can just take the wind out of our sails before we even have started on that voyage.
Randi Crawford (05:24.12)
Well, I think, okay, to just touch on one of those things, I think we put so much credibility.
in what other people think about what we're doing. And I think that that fear alone, I don't know by any statistics, I haven't studied this, but I believe in my heart that that is the reason that so many of us don't take more chances than we do. It's almost like when I'm working with my clients, I tell them, what if nobody knew what you were doing? Like you just went and did something for you and nobody would find out about it and nobody knew about it. What would you do that would make you happy? Because we are, listen, me,
at my age, jumping into retail. There's a lot of thoughts that go along with that, right? Like, well, what if a friend I know walks into the store? What are they gonna think? What are they gonna say? Why is Randy working in a retail job, you know, with all these young women? All my managers are in their late 20s. It's pretty funny. All my colleagues are young girls. I adore working with these girls.
But if I were to let what other people think about me stop me, I would have never taken that job. And I know this is one of those things, Savannah, that is so much easier said than done. Because we do worry about what other people think and what other people are saying. But if we could just take a step back.
and do what I tell my clients, which is, babe, what other people are saying about you is none of your business. And, you know, if other people are talking about you at the carpool lane or whatever, are they your people?
Randi Crawford (06:56.758)
We have to evaluate, like how far will we go to fit in? This is our life. We get one shot. So maybe the retail might not have worked out for me and I could pivot and do something else. But if we never take that first step, we're gonna be stuck. We're not gonna go anywhere.
Savannah Rose (07:15.29)
So well said, absolutely. Thank you for that. And yeah, I mean, I think you're so right. Like the people who are truly in your corner, who truly belong in your inner circle, they're not going to be passing judgment. Like they're not going to be, I would say, the ones that you should fear. Not that you should really fear anyone, but I think if there are people who maybe you do hear about some kind of chatter or whatnot, it's like how much value are you to place on someone who's willing to do that to you? I think
There's this expression that I love of like if people are talking behind your back, that's exactly where they belong like behind you essentially. And I feel like that is so important. And I know for me like as a recovering codependent person, recovering and people pleaser, that took a long time for me to just kind of have that ownership of I only get this one life. Do I want to live it for myself or what I am either assuming or
Randi Crawford (07:52.941)
Yes.
Savannah Rose (08:14.176)
putting too much value on when it comes down to other people. Because I think what I hear with my own clients as a life coach is a lot of times like this fear of what people are going to think is an assumption. And it's usually a projection of like their own inner critic. Like they're assuming that people are judging them because they themselves are already judging themselves. So I'm just curious like what your thoughts are on that piece, like the self-compassion piece, like that inner critic piece.
Randi Crawford (08:38.562)
Well, I completely agree with what you're saying. I, you know, I mean, not to get too deep and crazy with this, but if you think about... Okay.
Savannah Rose (08:45.162)
We can get as deep and as crazy as you want. Listen, you're in a safe space.
Randi Crawford (08:49.346)
that if we're gonna get deep with this, let's just think about this. This is so fascinating to me, but if we go all the way back to our childhood, right? And for me, I have a specific example, I don't have to bring it up, but we think about a time when we were really, really, really embarrassed or mortified by somebody in a class. It could happen in the first grade, the third grade, the fifth, the seventh grade, but we have that experience, right?
We remember. It doesn't mean we think about it every day. We could be in our 30s or 40s or 50s. We don't relive that experience every day because it wasn't like traumatic, but it humiliated you enough that your brain said, that's not going to happen to me again. So you're going to do everything you can to not be humiliated by other people. So now enter social media, right? Now, I'm not going to sit here and say social media is the worst thing ever, but I'm going to say social media is the worst thing ever. Like it's...
I realize it has its positives and its benefits, obviously, right? But you take a young brain of someone that's just trying to figure out who they are. Let's start even with middle school. Who they are, what they like, what they don't like, their sexuality, any of it. And now you give them that cell phone at this young age when their brains are underdeveloped and they're scrolling through their social media and they're just seeing all of these things that are telling them
I mean, look, I'm in my 50s and here's the things I get. I just, you know what? I got influenced. I don't even wear makeup. And I got influenced the other day and bought myself some tart makeup because I'm like, you know what? I'm doing so many podcasts. I should start wearing makeup on my face. This is ridiculous. I have to up my game. But the question is, why am I even getting ads on my TikTok?
for tart makeup when the truth is I don't buy makeup. I really don't wear much makeup other than some lip gloss. I wear trucker hats and reading glasses. That's what I wear. So everything that we see, right? It's a constant message. And the message is be thin, have perfect eyebrows, have a beautiful body, wear the right makeup, do the right dances. It's like all of this all day, every day. Now you take a 50 year old brain that knows how to process that information and it still gets
Randi Crawford (11:05.92)
in our head. You take a middle school brain and what are they learning? Like, so, so I should be interested in, you know, like a two-hour, you know, skincare routine? No, of course you shouldn't! But that's what they're being told and so all of a sudden they're not given the space.
to figure out who they are, what their values are. They might not care about, you know, Gucci and Louis Vuitton and all that junk that's all over social media, yet that seems to be what is so important. Money and wealth and these shows. And again, I'm not saying that that's all evil, but I'm saying these kids don't even have a chance. They might be really outdoorsy. They might love to go fishing with their mom or their dad.
They might love to go skiing in the winter. They might have so many different interests, but their feed is feeding them the stuff. And I know how the algorithm works. And you're going to say, well, Randy, if they're really interested in this stuff, the algorithm will feed it. It will feed it. But it'll also feed them the stuff that these kids are getting in the seventh grade and the eighth grade and so on. And so that makes it really hard as a society to take a step back and be like, who am I and what do I care about?
how far will I go to fit in with this group because I really want to be a part of this friend group. I really want to get into this sorority. It's just sort of a never ending. If we don't have so much confidence in who we are and our value system, the world is going to tell us what our value system is and that is not pretty.
Savannah Rose (12:42.134)
Absolutely, mean just so well said and and I think like Gosh, I feel like there's much that wants to come out I feel like like not only are you describing just like the the self-value aspect of like these things and then like this kind of carrot at the end of the stick of If I have this thing and I have this thing or that friend group or whatever then I'll be enough It's like putting that worth in the external and then also like you said with that kind of being
pulled into like certain collectives like being a part of like that statistic and the algorithm because I know for me I I don't watch reality TV I just it's just not for me I am like very much like a period drama fantasy girl but my like for you page will
I guess because of my demographic will just be like celebrity breakups, celebrity this, celebrity that. And I'm like, I don't even read those articles. Like why is, I don't care about what these people I don't know are doing and who knows if that's even true, right? So I can really empathize with what you're saying where like when you were mentioning the makeup piece where it's like, I don't partake in this, but it's being like pushed on me. And then you have like these little vulnerable brains that maybe don't know or are feeling that developmental pressure to fit in
so to speak, because we're wired to be that way, especially at that age, like in middle school. it's definitely a lot. curious. I know one of your specialties specifically is parenting. I'm curious, like what advice do you have to share with any parents who are listening to this, whether it's like things that they themselves feel. Cause I know mom guilt is so real. Where one of my friends is pregnant right now and she was just saying how it's just every time she's scrolling, it's like moms do this, but don't
do that and if you do this you're a bad mom and if you don't do that you're a bad mom. It's just like so much pressure. I'm curious like what your thoughts are on the parenting approach specifically and then we can touch more on some of the other topics but I would love to know your
Randi Crawford (14:42.52)
So I have a million, like you, have a million thoughts that came to mind when you're asking that question. And I'm like, which story do I go to? Where do I go? What do I say? But when you said you have a friend that's pregnant, here's where I'm gonna go with this. When I told you I still work at anthropology on the weekends, moms will walk in and they will have a baby stroller with them. And they will have a baby in that stroller, maybe a one-year-old. And that one-year-old comes in with a screen like this and they're staring at that screen. I kid you not. It's an iPad. And...
Savannah Rose (14:48.886)
Right?
Randi Crawford (15:11.39)
We, as I told people at this door, get a lot of people that come in with dogs and all sorts of cute little fluffy animals. That child doesn't even look up and interact with anything around them. I could get in their little face and be like, hey, little squishy, you know what mean? They will not look at me. A puppy could be right next to them. They will not even look at the puppy. So the first thing I would say to parents is, especially the new parents,
While I absolutely realize it is a digital world, so nobody is saying don't have any, you know, digital devices. Don't!
and your one-year-old, do not make the entire coping skill a device from the time that they're one years old and expect them to be able to relate to people in the real world. I don't know what they think they're gonna see when these kids are, you know, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 15. These kids are gonna have no interpersonal skills. And it really frightens me. So the first thing I would say is if you, know, before that age, I would absolutely not be handing those kids digital devices to get through.
so you can shop or you can eat dinner. So what if you take your kid to a restaurant and they start crying?
Be a parent and have a backup plan. And if one of you has to go sit in the car with the kid, then that's what you have to do. I'm sorry it's hard, but you're a parent. And it's just, that is so infuriating to me because I am so afraid for that generation. Now moving forward, we can't say to a kid, we can't say to a kid that's like 15, I'm taking your phone away from you. Because schools do so much work with the phone and the iPad and everything. They need the coaches.
Randi Crawford (16:50.0)
and group text messages. You can't miss a text message that this is the uniform for today or you're benched, you're in trouble. You can't get rid of the iPad because teachers have, you do homework on the iPad. So that is not realistic, but here is what is realistic. First of all, I read a study the other day that is frightening that said the kids before the age of 13 that are not given technology and social media.
have a much higher chance, I cannot remember the exact number, I feel like it's a 78 % chance of not committing suicide or having suicidal ideation. If you hold off on giving them social media until at least they're 13, they have a fighting chance. They are still high numbers and unacceptable, but knowing what we know now, I would absolutely encourage any parent.
to not let their child have social media before the age of 13. Second of all, if they have the social media, there's no reason that they need to have that phone in their room at bedtime. Just nothing good happens in the middle of the night when your child has this phone and could potentially let a hundred strangers into the room at night, because that's exactly what you're doing. So I don't know about you and who your clientele is, but I have parents that will say to me, verbatim,
Randy, the train has left the station. Like, my kid has a phone and they live on it. And I'm like, who pays for the phone?
The train is not left to the station. I am not saying take that phone away permanently, but take it out of the room at night. And if you're sitting at a family dinner, do not allow that phone. Are you kidding me? We have to be able to connect. I know we're turning into a world of AI. I know we're digital. I realize this and I'm not telling anybody to like hold your kids back in terms of that. But there are boundaries that we have to set and parents don't want to set them because they are so worried or afraid.
Randi Crawford (18:38.458)
repercussions if I take that phone away from my child. Like don't parent from fear. We have to be a parent and a parent means setting boundaries and setting rules. We now know the harm that this has caused and it's caused a lot of harm.
Savannah Rose (18:53.366)
Absolutely. That's so real. That is so real. And I love that you are just giving it to me straight. I love it. That's so, no, I love that. I'm like, yes, preach sister. Yeah. And I think it's, one of those things that is, is so like the devices specifically are it's so normalized. And I feel like there is, like you said, like this fear of like, uh, returning back to balance where it's like, I've already done this. I don't want to be faced with whatever, whatever. And it's like, hello.
You're the grown-up. I know my partner and I we don't have like children of our own right now, but
We've talked about how like when we do move into that phase, how we want to, call them like our little forest feral freak kids because I'm like, I don't want them to have any devices until it's absolutely necessary. I want them to be in the dirt and be in nature and to do the things that kids are meant to do and to grow that imagination. So I love that you're promoting that same kind of message. And I mean, even I think back to my own childhood, my mom, she always brought a busy bag wherever
we went. We went out to eat, went to church, wherever it was. We had our little bag with Beanie Baby coloring books, like whatever it was. And we behaved ourselves. Like it was just that matter of, I think, tuning into your child and learning their interest in fostering that rather than, I think, almost parenting from like an avoidant place of
Randi Crawford (20:05.152)
Yeah.
Savannah Rose (20:20.072)
I just want this person to be entertained because I don't know how to manage my own stress. think parents need to learn how to manage their own stress and take better care of themselves and get off the devices themselves more so that way they can set the good example and connect with their child as well. Because I know like my partner, he has a son and who's older, but he's always trying to read around him, play guitar around him, those kind of things to kind of teach him. Like there is more to life. There is more.
to life than video games or device or whatever it is. So I hear you and I just want to give you a round of applause for what you're saying.
Randi Crawford (20:59.276)
Well, and I'm gonna say something because, you know, people might be listening saying, okay, well, like, you don't know. No, I do know. I'm 56 years old. I have a daughter that's about to be 25 and a son that's 22. And I do know, because when they were being raised, the cell phone thing wasn't a thing. The social media apps and stuff didn't really...
affect them until I want to say my daughter was maybe a sophomore in high school and my son is a couple years younger. So trust me, being a parent, is when they say it's the greatest responsibility, like you're raising a human to be part of, you know, like we are all one. We are raising this person to be part of the one, part of the we. It's no joke. It's not easy. So if you're going to have a little human and think that you're parenting by giving them a device, you are not doing them a service. And if
you're gonna be on your device while you are with them, you are not doing them a service. Because kids pick up on that exactly like you were just saying. Like see, you know what I mean? They see us, they're sponges. They see us do things and they do what we do. And again, no, it's not easy to be off of your phone. But if you just start looking at everything you do by being more present, so let's just take the time value of one hour and you have that one hour with your kid, but you don't really have an hour. You have 15 minutes.
Excellent. Your kid would rather have you one-on-one for 15 minutes with no phone, nothing but your attention on them, than have you for an hour where you're sitting there like this, like that. They don't want that. They want you. And so we are the example and we have to be the example. And I mean, I didn't even have it available to me back then. And I'm glad. Now, am I saying I would have never been on a phone? I can't really answer that. I admit that. But I've been through the whole parenting with
out the cell phone and it's work and it's fun. But then you raise kids who can interact with the rest of the world, who can look up, who literally can look from down to up and notice I'm talking to you right now and I notice a fish tank behind you. You know what I mean? And be able to say, wow, what kind of fish do you have? do you like the show, Finding Nemo? Whatever it is, an iPad kid would never be able to make that connection because they don't know that connection. They're connected with a device and that is very worrisome.
Savannah Rose (23:17.782)
Absolutely. I think you make such a great point about just the where the attention is going like when it when you're being present and Like really being present not just like my body is here my brain is here but when you're present and you're giving your attention and I mean your attention is your your life energy is your life force and When you are pouring that into someone else pouring it into a conversation your child. I mean that is nourishing
them, like you're pouring life into them and when you're able to connect, you're doing an exchange of that life energy. Like I'm getting so much from you. I hope you're being nourished by what I'm saying. I think that it's such a human thing that we need and we can be next to each other and giving our attention to little things like these devices that just like take and take and take don't really give much back.
Randi Crawford (23:57.198)
Totally.
Savannah Rose (24:13.526)
And it is just such a huge contrast. I think it's, like you said, there is that kind of radical acceptance of like, yeah, I know AI, I know technology is a part of our reality. And like we can't lose our humanness either. And here are these things like social media that are here to connect us, but we can't lose real connection either. It's just you can't replace what is like in our bones to do and to live our life in that way either.
Randi Crawford (24:43.458)
Well, I wanna touch on what you said with the energy, cause I, listen, my whole thing that I preach, literally, I will die on this hill, is that we are all energy, right? Like you're an energy, I'm an energy. And that's what it is. And so if we don't teach our kids to interact with the world around them, then the energy they bring, so for a long time, people talked to me about the concept of being present. And I really...
didn't like it. So I'm like, what do you mean? Like I really didn't get it. Like I'm present. I'm here, you're here, we're present. No, no, no. It took me years and years, right, of realizing that being present is not just you and I sitting here on the call. I could be present, but I could literally be thinking about my shopping list. I'm not present.
being present that I want people to understand listening to this is you're not present when you're with someone and you're on a device. Even if you have that device on the table at the dinner table and it's turned over, just the fact that it's there.
You are not present. Present is we're hanging out. Now, I'm not saying that that's reasonable in every scenario. I get it. Especially as a mom, I sleep with a phone by my bed. Most people say don't do that. Well, when you're a mom, you do that because you're always waiting for that call, which by the way, what are you going to do in the middle of the night? Really? So I'm not like saying you should or shouldn't do that, but that's what I do as a mom and I always have. But when you are present, it means that you are with someone. Like you said, in body, mind and spirit, we are together because we are this
energy and you could feel it if I'm not picking up on your energy just by the way that I'm answering you and I could feel it if you're not here just by the questions you are or are not asking me and so when we talk about bringing present to break it down for people that are like what are they saying when we're talking about presents it's like be in the moment don't have other things on your mind don't think about the workout you did this morning and how you wish you ran an extra mile or the shot you missed a pickleball be with the person
Randi Crawford (26:41.3)
you're with because that's all that person wants. And if you only have five minutes, make it five minutes. If you have an hour, make it an hour. But don't shortchange people with your presence when you say you're gonna spend time with them, but then you're really doing other things the whole time.
Savannah Rose (26:56.182)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. wow. yes. Everything you're saying is so rich, and I feel like when you give this, I don't know, paint this picture of presence and how it's this, it's something that you are giving. I mean, not just your energy, but I think it's just a...
means of respecting that other person as well by saying like hey like you matter to me I'm here with you and I think that's something I love just about like my client work is is being like this spaceholder for people to just really sink my feet into the ground and to be with someone wherever they are on their journey
I wanted to transition a little bit just because I don't want forget to ask you this question. I know you mentioned when we were in the green room before we started about the importance of intergenerational connections. I think that's something that I appreciate about your teachings is how you say like you kind of started off working with younger women but how you can't
work with the left hand and just forget about the right hand either. How like it really does take all these generations working together for real change to happen. And I think that that's something that needs to be touched upon more. Cause I think whether it's like the boomers or gen X or gen Z or millennials, I feel like there's so much generational tension that is happening where like, whether it's this generation,
criticizing another for how they behave and not enough understanding and I think of each other, but also just like how we need each other. At the end of the day, we need each other and we cannot change or grow without each other. So I would just love your perspective on that as well.
Randi Crawford (28:48.332)
Well, you said that really well. And again, like you have me having all these thoughts. Like my thoughts are like, where do I go with this? Cause there's so much to say about that. I'll tell you this story. When I first started coaching, I would get a call. I generally get a call from a mom who will say, well, you work with my daughter and the mom will...
We won't be on Zoom, so we'll just be on the phone. And they'll say, Randy, my daughter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they'll tell me what they think the issue is with their daughter. And they say, will you work with her? And I'll always say, well, it's not if I'll work with her, it's if she'll wanna work with me. And so let me set up a call with your daughter. And then this really just flabbergasted me for quite a while. I would get on a Zoom with the daughter who had a completely different outlook.
on her own life and her own issues than her mom did. And I would get off these calls with these girls and I just remember so vividly thinking, how can the mom be so far off? First of all, the mom's incredible that she's calling me, right, to work with her daughter. So that's a mom that's tuned in that her daughter needs coaching. So this mom is not a bad person. However...
you get off the Zoom with the daughter and you would just think like these two just have never connected ever, have never spoken ever because the right hand and the left hand, the left and the right are not speaking to each other. And I found that like fascinating. And that's why when I started working with these girls, I would always make it a point of saying to the moms, we need to work together as well because one thing that people do and I'm not saying they do this on purpose, but we do.
this, it's human nature, is we let our ego get in the way. And when our ego gets in the way, we can't admit that we've made a mistake, right? And let's be clear, I'm a Gen Xer. I've made so many mistakes. I mean, like, and I will say it all the time to my kids, like, God, do you remember when I did that? I'm so sorry. You know what I mean? But we have a lot of people that are very, you know, they just like want to defend their stance and position and they don't want to grow and learn and understand that our kids are living in a
Randi Crawford (30:58.48)
very different time than we are. And listen, we're parents for the first time too. So it's like we're all going through this together.
And so it is so important to work with both generations because it's like I keep saying, we are all one and especially when you have a family unit. Again, a mom that's gonna call me has only the best intentions for her daughter, yet she has no idea what's really going on. The daughter has her own feelings about how her mom feels about her and has no idea how to communicate that. So it's like, love, I'm not a go-between between them at all, but I love to help each of them understand
where the other one is coming from and to understand the importance, the criticality of communication. Because it's like nobody understands how to communicate. A lot of people, so I mean, I hate to get negative, but I mean, our ego has taken us to a place where there's a lot of family estrangement right now, like absolute estrangement, where these, you know, Gen Zs are not talking to the Gen Xers or the Gen Xers aren't talking to their own parents. And it's because there is this communication gap and nobody will admit their wrongdoing in the situation.
Savannah Rose (31:53.675)
sure.
Randi Crawford (32:06.192)
And it's like, okay, I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done with this. And they keep, you know, they're throwing around a lot of things like, I have generational trauma and you know, this triggers me and you don't understand it. And someone my age is like, stop, stop with your trauma and your, know, this, that, and the other, but we have to listen to them. Something has hurt them. And if we can't admit our part in it. So that's why a lot of what I do is saying, listen, parents, we've made a lot of mistakes and we have to make a change, a massive change right now.
Our kids are very fragile. They're very anxious. They're committing suicide at much higher rates. I mean, I could go on and on. Body image is all distorted. And we are playing a role in that because we have decided we're going to come in and parent so hard and helicopter so hard, our kids will not face a problem. They will not deal with that problem. We're going to pave the path for our kids. But when we do that, we rob them of building grit and resilience. And so then what we have is these kids are now growing up and blaming the parents.
for raising them like that and the parents just saying, what are you talking about? Like I did everything for you. And it's like this very negative situation and it can be fixed, but we have to admit our part in the problem.
Savannah Rose (33:19.158)
Mmm.
my gosh, wow, yes, so true. think that just when you run up ego, I'm like, you're reading my mind. Look at you. Yeah, I love it because you're so right. I think ego and ego I think shows up even more when there is stress. I think like ego is a symptom. We all have it, but I think it is so symptomatic of stress. And again, like when we're not taking care of ourselves, we are so much more, I think, to an inflamed ego and that defensiveness like you're talking about and like
I just have to be right rather than meeting in the middle. I'm so curious because you kind of already started to come upon this topic, but you're talking about the overly involvement of parents. I'm just so curious because for me in my codependent recovery, it was very much like codependency showing up in like unhealthy romantic relationships and having to fix those patterns. But I know it's very much a part of parent-child relationships too of like if my kids
not okay, I can't be okay, so I'm going to come in here and control them or do all these other kind of behaviors so they can be okay, so I can be okay. And that's kind of how we see that codependency show up. I'm curious like what more of your insights are on what you've noticed in parenting relationships specifically.
Randi Crawford (34:32.258)
Mm-hmm.
Randi Crawford (34:39.256)
Well, I mean, I'll just talk, there's so many.
examples but I'm just going to talk about one so we won't be on here all day but I'll talk about relationships because it's a great one. Parents of young adult and again I work with young women so I'm not saying this doesn't apply to men but I talk about what I know and what I do. Parents are so over involved in their daughter's relationships it boggles my mind and it's like there's a piece of me that just wants to just you know shake these moms and say listen do you
I mean, do you not know the way this ends? Have we not seen a million movies? Like the more you push her away from him, the more she's gonna run into his arms. But it's like, we do not know how to let go. And you know, I just, constantly think about my own parents who were married at like, I wanna say 19 and 21 and had babies at that time. Yet we have moms today that are involving themselves in their 19, 20, 21, 22 year olds romantic relationships. And it's like, at what point...
Do you understand that you have to take a step back? This is their life. They are not an extension of us. They are their own person, but we don't want to accept that. And listen, I get it. You know, your daughter comes home with a guy that is not the ideal guy, you know, that you saw your daughter with and you are petrified. She will come to that conclusion. If you have done your job as a parent, I can almost guarantee you that a couple months with this guy and she's gonna realize he's a knucklehead, but I can almost guarantee you
that you say to her, you cannot date a guy with a tattoo or you cannot date a guy that does X, Y, and Z. Oh, she's running to him. And the longer you do that, the longer she's going to stay with him. And it's mind boggling. But there's so many examples. I relationships are one. We are just way too involved in our kids' lives. And it's because we have been the whole time. We have never...
Randi Crawford (36:35.816)
Let them make decisions, make choices. I mean, I literally work with 22 year old girls that will be like, Randy, I don't even know what to order for dinner tonight. Like figure it out. You can do this. You're at a great college. You know what I mean? But they've never had to do these things. And so now they don't trust themselves and they don't trust themselves.
Savannah Rose (36:54.902)
Hmm.
Randi Crawford (36:56.972)
because their parents have never really put trust in them. Because they feel like, parents don't understand that when we inadvertently do this, we are sending a message to our kids. And that message is, we don't trust you. We know that we can do it better, faster. You're gonna end up where you should end up. Well, guess what? It's their life. And let them do it and get from A to Z how they wanna get there. It's like, if I had one message in this whole show, it would be that. Like we have to let our kids live their life.
and trust that we have built a strong enough connection and relationship that they will come to us when they need us. They're not gonna keep things from us. And, you know, we're gonna be their support system 24 seven. We're just not, you know, we're not like, we're not the main character. They are.
Savannah Rose (37:43.542)
yes, you're so right and I think that you make such a good point a few thoughts ago about like how the letting go piece is really an act of love because it teaches them resiliency and it allows them to develop their own thoughts and opinions and sense of self-trust and self-esteem and self-worth and not everything is spoon-fed to them which then breeds codependency which can be projected onto other people as well. I think it's if it's maybe not being fulfilled with
mom or whomever that gap in someone's connection to themselves, they'll be seeking other people, whether it's a boss or a partner or like a relationship or a friendship, that will have to get filled in some kind of way.
or even if it's not through another person, unfortunately that also shows up a lot in substance use issues where people maybe haven't learned that self-trust piece and maybe they have to self-medicate with a certain kind of substance as well. So I see that behavior show up a lot too. So I think it's so important for anyone listening how you're not giving that space to be mean or because you don't love them, but it's so that they can, like you said, build that grit, build that resiliency.
supporting them but I think you're allowing them to just continue to step into their own and they have to have that space first before they can stretch out and fill it themselves.
Randi Crawford (39:13.314)
Well, you're doing it because you love them. I just spoke to a client this morning, true story, and she was complaining and complaining because she keeps financially supporting her daughter and her daughter keeps getting in these arguments with her and it's just, it's very toxic, right? And I just said, okay, I'm just gonna give you what I hear and I don't need to say anymore.
It's not her, you. So you have to stop. You have to stop financially supporting and accepting this treatment. That's on you. So like the sooner, it's like, it's not a tough love. It's a reality check, right? But sometimes, listen, for some of us, that reality check, like with drugs, it can take a family, you know, 30, 40, 50 years to get the memo that like they need to fix themselves. Some people get the memo after a couple months, like, you know what? I don't like being treated like this. I don't like people lying and cheating and robbing and stealing.
from me. We all get there in our own time on our own path but what you just said is absolutely correct.
Savannah Rose (40:12.278)
Thank you. Yeah. Well, I'm curious, like kind of in closing, I would love to know, I hear a lot of language around like kind of the warnings against things like give more space or not to do this. I'm curious, like what advice do you have to help people understand maybe if they don't know how to give space or that's something that's new for them, how would you suggest them start to take those first steps? Like what does that giving space look like?
Randi Crawford (40:40.118)
Okay, I'm gonna tell you and this is very short and easy answer. When you ask your child a question, do everything you can, bite your tongue until it bleeds if you have to. But when you ask them a question, listen to them. Don't interrupt them.
Don't listen with one ear and be like at the same time, like, ah, how are we gonna fix this? Don't do that. And it's gonna take time. It's like practicing anything else. It's like practicing your pickleball shot. I don't care. It's a skill and you can learn it. But the way you can do it starting immediately is train yourself. They call it as you know in coaching, active listening. It's not easy to do because as a parent, you are invested in the outcome. However, if you wanna build that trust and you wanna build that connection,
next time there's a situation, sit down, listen to the end, and then after you've listened, you can ask the question, do you want me to just listen or do you wanna brainstorm ideas? And they can say to you, I just wanted to talk, and they might get up from that conversation and be like, wow.
Like what voodoo just happened on my mom that she didn't just jump in there, you know, and all of a sudden you are so subtly showing them that they can trust you and that you trust them to come to the right decision. And it's as easy as that. Just shut up and listen.
Savannah Rose (42:00.246)
That's so well said and I think that when you are giving them that choice and having I mean honestly practicing consent of like do you want this or this I feel like that Allows you to take a step back from like maybe a control pattern of like I have to go in here and be the hero and fix it to no, let me wind that back Yeah
Randi Crawford (42:22.158)
I'm gonna write that down because I don't even ever say that breaking the control pattern because that's what it is I'm writing that down. It's like we want to control it and we can't
Savannah Rose (42:26.431)
and
Savannah Rose (42:30.998)
Right, absolutely. And they don't need to be controlled. Control is not love. It can maybe feel like it, like where I wanna do this because I love you so much and I don't wanna see my baby cry, but sometimes, I mean, how else are we supposed to, as humans, go through this full spectrum of experiences and, like you said, build that resiliency? Mm-hmm.
Randi Crawford (42:50.862)
100%.
Savannah Rose (42:53.216)
Well, Randi, this has been such a refreshing conversation. Was there any other topics or tidbits or anything that I did not cover that you have on your heart that you'd like to share? I just want to give you the space to do that.
Randi Crawford (43:06.232)
I mean, I feel like you really opened the conversation up so much that I feel like I've kind of said what I'm very, very passionate about. I just believe so strongly in the family unit. I really do. I, again, I'm gonna say this. I understand after having two kids how hectic life is, how sports schedules are so crazy, how you're traveling all the time. There's constant to-do lists that you're checking off. So I don't...
come to you as a coach and say, listen, this is all so easy. It is not so easy. But when we remember to put our family first and stop worrying about all the external validation and what the neighbors are doing and what the other kids on the team are doing, when we focus on our own family, and even by the way, I think it's really important, I would love to end by saying, if you can just get in one family dinner a week, just one, that will go such a long way. If we focus on family first and we instill those values,
and we build that trust and we build that connection, we will start to see kids that have more confidence, more grit, that will try more things, and that will stop literally relying on this to tell them whether or not they're good enough. I cannot emphasize that enough.
Savannah Rose (44:18.742)
Oh, that's so well said. Yes, and I think, gosh, yeah, looking back on my own childhood, that's something I'm so grateful for with my own parents was just the family dinners. Like, I think that was such a huge highlight and just, I think that that's something that I...
Miss a lot because especially when I was single Pringle and just operating on my own I was like man I just they really miss having dinner with my family So I'm so glad I have a partner now that cherishes that too and I can't wait for us to begin that chapter down the road But Randy this has been such a pleasure having you on here today It makes me so happy that you're spreading this kind of message and I feel like just realism and just very radical realism to so many people and I think with that like helping
Parents as well build their own resiliency too. I think that's what I'm hearing is like you can do this as a parent You can do this they can do it everyone can thrive and also have space to thrive because I mean just like plants like we need that space for our roots to come out and We're always connected even when that space is there. So please tell us how Folks can get in touch with you how they can learn more about you how they can seek out your services Where can folks find you?
Randi Crawford (45:32.674)
Okay, so it's very, very easy. I have a website, Randy Crawford Coaching.
and it's Randy with an I. And I do TikToks and Instagrams where I just, I will tell like a funny little story or if I'm quoted in the news or something and you know, someone's asking me, you know, what would you do in this situation? And it's all my handles are at Randy Crawford Coaching. And it's, I just do fun stuff that because I never want anyone to feel judged. I'm not like, listen you, I want people to know that we've all made these mistakes and we're all in this together. And if we could just look at these, you know, little stories.
that I do, the content I make is all about making it fun. Like it's fun. It doesn't have to be so serious and we're not all judging each other, but they can all find me at at Randi Crawford coaching basically everywhere.
Savannah Rose (46:19.11)
Thank you. Absolutely. think fun is such a necessary part of the equation and fun and love I think go hand in hand and this is all really just so can love each other deeply and in a more balanced way and Just thank you so much again Randy and thank you everyone who is tuned in today I hope you've gained some great nuggets of wisdom go follow her for more as well And I'll put all the links to your socials and website in the description as well So y'all can track her down and get more of her wisdom, but thank you again. I truly appreciate this conversation
Randi Crawford (46:34.274)
Thank you.
Savannah Rose (46:48.965)
today and thank you all for tuning in and...
Randi Crawford (46:50.85)
Well, I want to thank you and I'm wishing you luck in that big storm you're having, because I'm in nice sunny San Diego, so good luck to you.
Savannah Rose (46:55.094)
Thank you. I appreciate it so much. Have a great rest of your day everybody and I will chat with you all later.
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