Ending My Engagement Part 1

Thank you all for your patience as I’ve been on this hiatus. I’ve been writing for myself, processing the deep emotional pain that has been the past few months, on top of the past couple of years.

For your understanding, my purpose in writing this and speaking upon my breakup isn’t to trash talk my ex. I’ll speak on things that happened, yes, but overall, it’s not about him; I see this as my chance to process and release what my experience has been. I hope that my candor can be helpful to anyone who is in a similar situation.

I think the hardest part about this breakup has been the disillusionment that has come with realizing how much mistreatment I endured, enabled, and am still healing from. I do not believe my ex was an evil person; however, the reality is that he was struggling with his own demons such as PTSD, depression, and addiction. When he had a handle on these things, he was an amazing partner and I loved him deeply. Part of me still has compassion for him as a person. The truth is that he and I were on different paths and levels of consciousness and this ultimately led to our downfall. By all means, I was not perfect in this relationship and did several things that I am not proud of. However, I own all of my mistakes and understand now where they were coming from. Working with my therapist has allowed me to gain deeper insight into how the unhealthy imbalance and patterns in our relationship affected me, my beliefs about myself, and ultimately, my behaviors. I went into this relationship feeling confident, secure in myself, and ambitious. Throughout the relationship, I lost my sense of self, self-worth, voice, and even clarity on what I want out of life. Being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after the relationship ended has also been shocking yet somehow not surprising. I’m still working through my triggers and trying to regulate my nervous system. It’s truly been a day-by-day, sometimes even hour-by-hour process. I am trying my best to embrace the positive relationships and experiences in my life, of which I am incredibly grateful.

I also understand that this is going to take time, space, and stillness. This is what I’m currently working on.

Below is the first part of my story (video & streaming options). I’m not sure how many parts there will be. I recorded this first part one month after my ex moved out and approximately a month and a half after we broke up. I’m writing this now, two months after he moved out.

Thank you for reading and listening/watching.

With love,

Savannah

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